Although this post is focused on trauma and marriage, it applies to single individuals as well. For additional marital support, please visit our website: www.littlebookboldmarriage.com

Trauma.

This is such a scary word for many people. Countless souls are living with the sometimes daily reminder of the horrors they have lived and can never seem to escape. Does this impact the marriage? Absolutely! To say the least. The good news? This can change! You can heal and your marriage can survive it and thrive. How do I know? For two reasons. I myself have survived my past traumas, with my husband right by my side, healing and growing through the process. I am also a trauma therapist who has personally witnessed the miracle of individuals healing from trauma more times than I can count. I have seen hopeless individuals heal and begin a new life, free of the horrific impacts of their past pain. I am approaching this post with both personal and professional experience that can be tested and proven. Let’s jump in! Whether married or single, this post is for you.

Are you a trauma survivor? Is your spouse a trauma survivor? If you’ve answered yes to either of these questions this post is for you. Or maybe you don’t think you have trauma, yet you suffer from difficult symptoms and question this possibility? I encourage you to read on.  

Let’s first discuss what trauma actually is. The American Psychological Association defines trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster.” In other words, trauma is not really brought on by the event, rather an individual’s response to the event. This is why two individuals can experience the same event, one is traumatized, and the other is not. There are a lot of factors at play here, some of which include differences in temperament, adverse childhood experiences, biological makeup, and differences in emotional sensitivity. This is important to understand, especially in marriage. Why? If one spouse is not easily traumatized, it can be difficult to understand and empathize with their partner’s trauma. Understand that you are different. Just because something didn’t, or wouldn’t impact you, this does not discount the impact on your spouse. 

Although many individuals come to me for help fully aware of their past trauma, many are unaware. Some of my clients will say “I don’t have any trauma,” while their symptoms seem to strongly suggest otherwise. How is it that they don’t believe they have experienced trauma, but suffer from trauma symptoms? It’s simple. Some events that bring on traumatic responses are obvious. Watching a loved one die, near death experiences, natural disasters, racism, sexual and physical abuse, etc., while others are not obvious at all. Did you know that the following experiences can be traumatic, especially for highly sensitive individuals? Childhood neglect, bullying, getting in trouble as a child, losing a pet, going to a funeral, being ignored by a parent (a form of emotional abuse), sibling abuse, illnesses and surgeries, hospital stays, childbirth, horror films. Any event in which you thought you might die can be traumatic as well. This one might seem obvious, but what about a small child who thought a large dog running toward them was about to attack and kill them? Even if the dog ended up being harmless, if that child truly believed they were about to die, this can impact the brain and bring about a traumatic response. The point I’m trying to make is you may in fact have trauma even if you can’t seem to recall experiencing a traumatic event. You might want to consider this possibility if you are experiencing any of the following symptoms: 

-Intrusive negative thoughts 

-Mood swings

-Irritability and anger

-Suddenly feeling as though you are a younger age mentally and emotionally (Ex. A 30-year-old woman suddenly feeling like a little girl during an argument with her spouse. Potentially experiencing a strong fear of rejection or isolation. Or a forty-year-old man feeling like a little boy who might be abandoned forever when he and his wife have an argument and she leaves the room to cool down.)

-Intrusive memories that bring on negative thoughts and emotions (even memories that don’t seem to be a “big deal”)

-Avoidance of people, places, or situations 

-Easily startled

-Difficulty sleeping 

-Excessive fear and anxiety

-Frequent nightmares 

-Depression

-Somatic symptoms (ex. Nausea, headaches, stomach pain, tightness in the throat or chest, etc.)

-Emotional detachment or dissociation

All of these symptoms can be a result of trauma. Keep in mind, and this is the case for many of my clients, your current symptoms might be the result of something from many years prior. You might not even remember when or how they started. Even if you do not remember, you CAN still heal! I will go into greater detail on this in a bit.

It is impossible for me to talk about healing without acknowledging my personal belief that God is the great healer. He is the one who brings about healing, regardless of how it happens. Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” When God is invited into the healing process, what occurs goes far beyond the natural and is truly divine. I have both experienced this, and have seen it accomplished for many others first hand. So let’s talk about some of the ways God brings about this beautiful healing of trauma. I have seen Him heal powerfully in each of these ways. My hope is this encourages you and inspires motivation to pursue healing from traumatic pain so you and your spouse can move forward in freedom together.

How relationships help:

Traumatized individuals often lack a sense of security and safety. As their partner, you have been given a wonderful gift of creating a safe and loving space for your spouse. Your choice to be present, understanding, empathetic, and supportive will assist in the healing process. In my experience, I have seen those with support experience greater levels of healing. God orchestrated it this way for a reason. My husband played a HUGE part in my ability to heal and recover. I know for a fact that God divinely joined us together and used him to help me heal. When your partner is experiencing difficult symptoms, ask them what they need from you. It might be a hug, an encouraging word, to be held, a prayer, space, or simply to just sit and be there. Don’t ask too many questions, just listen with empathy. I recommend reading a few books if you struggle to empathize or understand what your partner is going through. Two good books that highlight the science and symptoms of trauma and its impact are The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D., and Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa (disclaimer: I do not agree with everything written in these books, I personally read through the lens of Scripture).

While it is easy to get frustrated with your triggered spouse, understand that what they need most is your calm and supportive presence. Take a deep breath, set your own feelings aside, and embrace your role as their greatest support person outside of God. Do not neglect prayer. Pray and ask God, “what does my spouse need from me? Increase my empathy, compassion, and love for them in spite of these challenges. I confess that I don’t understand and I need your help to love and support them in the ways they need me to.” God will lovingly guide you and show you what to do. Psalm 25:9-10 says “He leads the humble in what is right and teaches the humble His way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.” Start believing the truth that you have the incredible ability to help your spouse heal through your relationship with them, with God right there to lovingly and faithfully guide you.

How writing helps:

So many of my clients cringe at the suggestion to begin journaling, and to be honest I don’t always blame them. Writing, if done correctly, helps a great deal. So how do you effectively write to heal? Before I get to that, let’s talk about why writing helps. When we write we tap into a deeper place in the brain, sometimes releasing traumatic memories that are trapped there. The key here? It doesn’t do much good to simply write about the facts of the experience, you must focus on how you felt and what you were thinking. Additionally, body awareness plays a vital part in effective writing for the sake of healing. As you begin to prepare for writing about a painful experience your body will react. The more you focus on what you are feeling in your body, the deeper you will go into the stored traumatic memory and accompanying sensations and emotions. For example, let’s say every time you think about your dad your throat gets tight. It is your instinct to shift your attention away from these negative sensations, distract yourself, and move on. What happens if instead you intentionally focus on that feeling in your throat? You begin to go deeper into the wound, making healing more possible. This is key in therapeutic interventions that actually help heal trauma, which I will discuss next. If these sensations are unbearable, I would suggest seeking additional help through a support person or trauma professional. 

Back to writing. You notice your throat is tight, as you focus on the sensation thoughts and emotions begin to come up for you. Next start writing down whatever comes to mind. Do this all while keeping your focus on the sensations in your body. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, or how good what you’re writing sounds, these things all divert the brain away from the purpose at hand. Write until you start to feel relief and your physical sensations, thoughts, and feelings calm down. It can be really helpful afterward to share what you wrote about with your spouse for additional support and comfort. I always suggest focusing on something calming and relaxing after this exercise. Read a book, pray, go for a walk, take a hot shower. Whatever helps you feel calm and relaxed.

I want you to consider king David for a moment. In Psalm 6 he highlights the impact of emotional pain on the body and how writing about it helps. The Psalms are filled with poems in which are written the depths of distress, trauma, and pain. Most of these end with comfort and praise to The Lord, a strong indication of relief from the suffering. Invite God in as you write to heal, ask Him to walk with you through the pain as you process it. He will faithfully guide you and bring healing, just as He did for David.

How therapy helps: 

Some of you reading might be hesitant at the thought of therapy to heal from your past trauma. This could be due to a past negative experience with therapy, a fear of going back to your pain, discomfort with opening up to a stranger, or the stigma of needing help and having something “wrong” with you. I understand all of these concerns. When I met my husband I was only at the stage of beginning school to become a therapist. He asked me if I had gone to therapy myself, to which I answered no. I told him that I was totally fine and healed. This was far from true. Despite the fact that God had called me to become a counselor, I personally held reservations of my own about counseling. So what did this lovely man have to say? “Is that what you would tell your clients?” This irritated me, but he was right. I quickly started the journey of personal therapy and I praise God that I did! God brought so much healing through my amazing therapist. Let’s break down a few of these concerns and then I will specifically address a few techniques that God uses in therapy to bring about miraculous healing.

Concern #1: I had a bad experience before and I don’t believe therapy helps. This concern truly brings me a lot of sadness. I’m so sorry if this is you! I have been many individuals’ 3^rd or even 4^th therapist. Some of these people suffered for a long time before trying again due to how bad their experience was. Try seeking God about who He wants you to see. Go on Psychology Today, pray as you read through the different counselor bios, ask God to direct you to the right person. Yes, there are some bad counselors out there, but don’t let that stop you from the healing you deserve. So many clients have told me they read my bio and just had a feeling, or heard God tell them to come see me. This is not my chance to boast either. The reason I see so many healed is simply due to my choice to surrender to God’s leading in my work as a therapist. Yes, I’ve studied hard and have experience, but without God that means nothing. He knows which counselors will allow Him to lead, and He will lead you to that person. 

Concern #2: Fear of going back to the pain. Nobody understands this better than me, and I truly empathize with you! What I often tell my clients who are afraid to revisit their painful experiences, how difficult is it for you to keep this pain from intruding on your daily life? How difficult are the symptoms you live with? You’re afraid to go back, but the truth is, that pain is not in the past, it is in your present. You are already there whether you realize it fully or not. Imagine for a moment you fully embraced the pain a in therapy, for it to disappear for good? Yes, for a time it will be extremely difficult, but then the battle is over. You can move on with your life. The time it takes to heal varies based on your level of trauma, but a few weeks, months, or even a year of healing through the pain is better than a lifetime living with it. 

Concern #3: Fear of being vulnerable with a stranger. This is a valid fear. Which is why finding the right counselor who is empathetic, nonjudgmental, and trustworthy is key. A counselor like this will quickly help you to feel safe and capable of being vulnerable. And oddly enough, it can be easier being open with someone who isn’t your friend or family member, who you know will never disclose your business to others. The therapeutic relationship can be extremely healing as well. 

Concern #4: The stigma of needing help and having something “wrong” with you. I want you to consider for a moment that you have a broken leg. What would you do? My guess is you would head to the doctor. There is no shame or embarrassment with this, and zero contemplation. Sadly, those who suffer from the difficult symptoms of trauma wrestle with shame and embarrassment, and often struggle to make an appointment with a trusted clinician who can help. Trauma is not an issue with the mind and emotions, it is an issue with the brain. Unprocessed traumatic experiences greatly impact the brain, leading to difficult symptoms. If you have a limp or you can’t walk because of a broken leg, nobody would shame you for it, including yourself. I encourage you to think of trauma and its impact on the brain in the same way. As an injury in need of healing. Additionally, nobody needs to know you are seeing a therapist apart from those closest to you. This can help with the initial fear of being labeled. My hope is that this stigma will soon vanish from society! 

Two Powerful Techniques: When it comes to trauma therapy, I recommend finding a clinician who has certifications and experience with brain/body based techniques. Some of these therapies include, Accelerated Resolution Therapy, EMDR, Brainspotting, and Somatic Experiencing. Although CBT and other talk therapies can be beneficial, they sometimes miss the mark when it comes to healing deep trauma. 

Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) is an eye movement therapy that heals traumatic memories. According to Acceleratedresolutiontherapy.com, “Accelerated Resolution Therapy works directly to reprogram the way in which distressing memories and images are stored in the brain so that they no longer trigger strong physical and emotional reactions.” As an ART certified therapist, I have used this method 1000+ times and have seen my client’s experience miraculous healing. Some who have suffered for years on end have healed after only a few of these powerful sessions. During treatment you focus on a distressing memory, physical sensation, painful emotion, or intrusive thought, while doing rapid eye movements. This allows your brain to process and heal, and eliminates present day symptoms that originated from the traumatic experience. Whether you recently experienced a trauma, or you’re fifty years old and your traumatic experiences happened in childhood, ART is effective for rapid and lasting healing and change. 

I have personally experienced miraculous healing through ART. God used this therapy to heal me from daily distressing symptoms I had suffered from my entire life. This was something I had prayed about, and talked about many times without resolution. Prayer always helped in the moment, but the symptoms would always return. Every night I went to bed afraid, unsure of the reason. I would pray, God would bring peace and help me sleep. The next night, the fear and physiological symptoms would return. I had no clue why I struggled with nightly fear. Although this didn’t cause problems with my marriage per se, it was a point of confusion and irritation. Neither of us understood my struggle. During my ART session I focused on this issue of nightly fear. As I began to do the eye movements, memories of my childhood began to surface. The emotional and physical sensations were very strong, but the difficult part did not last long. I quickly felt relief! God was very present during my session, encouraging me with His love and comfort. Afterward I was in absolute SHOCK as I went to bed, waiting for the fear, but it never came. Night after night I waited, and no fear. It has been five years now and I often reflect on how God lovingly brought me healing and peace. He has used ART to heal other traumas I’ve experienced as well. He wants to do the same for you! In addition to my own healing, I have seen MANY find healing and freedom from trauma of all types, as well as daily debilitating symptoms, all through utilizing ART. The same can be true for you. You can find more information about this powerful therapy here. 

Brainspotting is another technique I utilize that brings powerful healing. During a Brainspotting session you will begin by focusing on a current issue or trauma and the emotional and physical sensations that accompany. Your therapist will use a pointer to direct you to the spot in your visual field where you feel these sensations more intensely. As you keep your gaze on that spot, you begin to access the midbrain where the trauma is stored. Your brain will then begin to work through all the different things that are contributing to your struggle, allowing you to process and heal. When I use this technique with my clients that are often amazed at what comes forward and heals! God has also used this technique to help me heal from painful past traumas and difficult symptoms. You can find more information here.

I strongly recommend finding a therapist who is trained in both Accelerated Resolution Therapy and Brainspotting, if possible, as one may be more helpful for you than the other. 

How prayer helps:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

As I previously mentioned, I personally believe that God is responsible for all of our healing, regardless of how we attain it. He has healed me personally in all of the ways I’ve mentioned, and I have seen the same for my clients. Let me share a personal story of God healing my trauma through prayer. I have many I could share, but for the sake of time I will share just one. I was having a really difficult time emotionally and a couple of friends, including my mentor, offered to pray for me. I headed to my mentors house, expecting God to show up and move in power through their prayers. My mentor began to pray, and as she was praying she asked God to heal any painful memories that were contributing to my current struggle. This was a very intense time of prayer and I could truly feel God’s love and presence. As she was praying some painful childhood memories began to come to my mind, things I hadn’t thought of since I was a little girl. The emotional and physical response to these memories was overwhelming. As these things flashed in my mind I suddenly pictured Jesus coming up to me, taking my hand, and bringing me to safety. The pain and the memories were gone and fully healed and I never needed to revisit or process it again. The emotional symptoms I had been experiencing also fully resolved after that time of prayer. God can heal trauma through prayer if and when He chooses to do so.

Perhaps you know someone that knows how to intercede in this way. I suggest reaching out and asking for prayer. In addition to this mentor and friend, I have also experienced healing through my husband praying for me, and also through praying alone, just me and God. Ask your spouse, a mentor, or your pastor to pray with you about your trauma. Additionally, Sit down in a quiet safe place alone, let God know what you are feeling, or the memories you need healed, and ask Him for healing. He may choose to heal you through prayer, and if not, He will surely direct you in the way you should go. I have seen God heal many of my clients in this way as well. Prayer is real. It is powerful. It is effective.

Don’t forget Emotional regulation: This is a very important part of the healing process. Why? When dealing with trauma it is easy to become flooded and overwhelmed with both painful emotions and sensations. This is why I previously mentioned if it is unbearable, I would recommend you do not attempt to deal with your trauma on your own, but rather seek out support. Some great methods for regulating your emotions include deep breathing (breath in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, and breath out for 5 seconds, continue until you feel more relaxed), body awareness exercise (focus your attention on the place in your body that feels calm. Keep your focus here until you feel more relaxed), journaling what you’re feeling, talking with a support person, prayer, listening to music, taking a hot shower, etc.  

On a final note, unhealed trauma will greatly impact, not only your own life, but your marriage, your children, and truly all of your relationships. You owe it to yourself to heal and experience freedom from the pain you’ve experienced, as well as healthier happier relationships. Take a step of courage today and try putting what you’ve read in this post into practice. My prayer is that God will bless and heal you so you can live free!