I’m sure a lot of men and women would read this title and run for the hills. In fact I used to be the woman who was shut down emotionally and closed off to others. It wasn’t until my husband came around and attempted to engage my emotional side (over and over again I might add) that something changed. His persistence, patience, and secure love is what finally helped me to open up and break down the walls that were blocking me from emotionality. I have so much thanks to offer my husband for the emotionally secure and in touch woman that I am today. Building this emotional bond with my husband was critical for our marriage to thrive and is critical for yours too.
Think about the scripture on love below, could any person accomplish this without a secure emotional bond with his or her spouse? I would argue that he or she could not. Read it with me. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
I Corinthians 13:4-7 (NKJV)
Doing all of these things becomes possible when coupled with a secure emotional bond with your spouse. Think about the way you love God, you have a close emotional bond with Him because He is consistently faithful to you, He loves you unconditionally, He doesn’t give up on you when you fail, and He is always there to listen to and attend to your hurting or joyful heart. This is what building an emotional bond looks like, and is how my husband helped me go from avoidant and closed off to emotion to secure and open to sharing my deepest needs, fears, and dreams with him, knowing full well that he would be there to listen and care with a genuine heart. I’m telling you this to offer encouragement. If your spouse won’t open up to you emotionally and tends to shut down, through offering continuous support, patience, and understanding you can help to break down the walls of fear they’ve built and become emotionally open to you, as my husband did with me. Just don’t give up. Do you offer this to your spouse? If not, it’s likely that you are lacking an emotional bond.
So how exactly can you form or reform this bond with your spouse to strengthen your marriage and connection?
Be present with your spouse: something I see causing so much damage to marriages today is technology. How many shows are you watching? How many games are you playing? Are your hands attached to your smart phone? When your husband or wife needs you are you half-focused on a game, show, or app rather than giving him or her all of your attention? Not only that, how much time do you spend really talking to and getting to know each other? Ask yourself this question,given the choice, would you rather spend time alone, time with your friends or other family members, or time with your spouse? if the answer isn’t time with your spouse then this is a huge problem. This indicates that you likely don’t have the strong emotional bond necessary for enduring love.
Be there when your spouse needs you: not just physically but emotionally too. I Thessalonians 5:11 says “Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.” As a husband or a wife we are called to comfort and edify our spouse. This means being available to him or her when he or she needs comfort or edification. If you aren’t there for your spouse he or she won’t feel safe to go to you during these times of need. Does your spouse know you are there for him or her? If you aren’t sure then ask. This will open the door to honest communication that will start you on the path to developing a secure emotional bond. Knowing with confidence that your spouse will be there when you need him or her offers a true sense of security. I am not saying that your spouse won’t ever let you down, but when you have this secure emotional bond it is much easier to face when it does happen. The only person we can truly depend on no matter what is God, but don’t think that this means we should not be able to trust and depend on our spouse to be there when we need him or her, because we absolutely should!
Be willing to share your fears, hurts, and joys with your spouse: Building a strong emotional bond with your spouse not only requires that you are there when he or she needs you, but that you are willing to share your fears, hurts, and joys with him or her too. No marriage is one-sided. As our relationship with God requires effort on both sides, the same is true for our marriages. We feel close to God when we get to know Him through reading His word, prayer, and worship. But this isn’t enough to build a close relationship with Him. This comes when we let down our guard and share ourselves with Him. In a marriage the only way to form a true emotional bond is by being fully known by your spouse and fully knowing your spouse. Do you know your spouses deepest fears and hurts? How about their dreams and longings? Or what brings him or her the most joy? Romans 12:15 says “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” How can your spouse weep with you and rejoice with you if you aren’t sharing whats on your heart? Being dependent on your spouse is not a negative thing. God created us to depend on, not only Him, but on others for encouragement, support, and strength. If this were not the case He would not have looked at Adam and said “it is not good for man to be alone.” He has given each of us a beautiful gift in our spouse. when we start building an emotional bond the beauty begins to shine through the mire of let downs and disappointments, enabling us to build a secure emotional bond and lasting love.
Maybe you finished reading this and think, “I just don’t see how this will ever be possible with my spouse, he or she will never change.” If you are struggling to build an emotional bond, and its not for lack of trying, I would suggest seeing a competent counselor who can guide you through the process. After all, God’s Word has a lot to say about receiving godly wisdom and counsel from others. Just don’t give up. God can heal any hurt and reform or form a bond between a husband and wife, no matter how dark or ugly the circumstances.