When Life Isn’t Fair

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Maybe you are like me and you have caught yourself saying “this isn’t fair” about a situation. You find yourself looking at the situations of others and wondering why they aren’t dealing with the same unfair circumstances. We all know those people who seem to have everything go in their favor (Could it be that it just appears this way?) Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, we tend to focus on what doesn’t seem fair rather than what is beyond fair in our lives. Maybe if we could view those things which appear unfair in a different light we would see that they aren’t unfair at all. When we are able to do this we also tend to recognize all the huge blessings in our lives as well. If you allow the Bible to be your guide, which I strive for, this isn’t so hard to do. Difficult at times, but not impossible.

As I thought about this whole idea of “unfairness” I thought about all of the stories in the Bible. Stories of God working impossibly amazing miracles. I found that all of these stories involve two things: A willing follower and seemingly unfair circumstances. Honestly I couldn’t really think of anybody who this wasn’t true for. At least not anybody in whose life God was working in great and mighty ways. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, are unfair circumstances worth the work that God wants to do in our lives? If you are a willing follower of Christ (only you know if you are) you can pretty much expect this to happen. Not forever, but for a time.

1 Peter 1:6-7 (NKJV) tells us “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,”
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Your genuine faith is worth more than gold! To me that’s an amazing fact to dwell on. God wants to use trials in our lives to bless us with unwavering genuine faith, the kind of faith that can move mountains. This doesn’t sound too unfair to me. Knowing this helps me to rejoice when things seem unfair and believe that God is working.

Think about Joseph (Genesis 37-45), could his life have been anymore unfair? He was hated by his brothers, sold into slavery, a servant of another man’s household, falsely accused, and imprisoned for years. The best part about the whole thing is that God was with him the entire time and the Bible says he prospered in all of those situations. If that’s possible for Joseph then don’t you think it’s possible for me and you? God had to test his faith and grow his character before he could be used in such an amazing way, to save the lives of countless people. Maybe this is the case for you? For me?

When my daughter was born with a heart condition I didn’t think that was very fair at all. She was tiny, wouldn’t grow, Unable to nurse, needed medication 3 times a day, had dr visits every week, was behind in all physical milestones, threw up every single day (a lot and often all over me!), and ended up having open heart surgery at 7 months old. My 2 month old weighed as much as her sister did at 7 months when she had surgery. None of this seemed fair but I can tell you that God truly did a work in me during this unfair time. He grew my faith and practically abolished my anxieties regarding health and illness. I look back and cannot believe the grace I received to get through all of that with a positive attitude and my faith intact. I am a different person today than I was before that happened. Think about unfair and tough times God brought you through. Are you the same person today that you were before? Maybe you say, well I’m worse. And that might be so, but choose now to face those trials differently than you might have before. Allow God to test and prove the genuineness of your faith and shape you into the person He created you to be. The person you need to be in order to live the life God has planned for you. Lean on Him through these “unfair” times and see how gracious and loving He truly is. I promise He won’t let you down!

Sometimes my husband and I talk about the ways that God has refined us through trials. We think about how we were versus how we are now. This encourages us to keep pushing through the “unfair” trials we are currently facing, reminding us that God is working. Always remember, God is more concerned with the genuineness of our faith than He is with “fairness”.

I’m not saying that at the end of your trial awaits riches and monetary wealth, what awaits us is far greater. A genuine faith that can move mountains and impact countless individuals for Christ. If this is what you want your life to represent keep moving through those trials and get ready for God to do great things in your life.

A final note, if the trials you face are consequences of sin in your life or an unwillingness to follow Christ and you want that to change, repent and allow God’s grace to transform you. It surely will!

5 Tips for Processing and Healing From Pain

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The more you ignore and avoid pain the deeper it is buried in the subconscious, escaping your awareness. The unfortunate thing about this is that even though the pain is hidden its effects are not. Healing from pain requires self-awareness and a willingness to do something about it once you’ve discovered it.

Below are some tips that have helped me to discover, work through, and heal from my own pain, which I hope will help you as well:

Examine your feelings: You might be totally aware of pain that you have never dealt with, as this is sometimes the case. Often, however, many people have ignored and avoided pain for so long that they aren’t aware of it or how it impacts their lives. For example, If you’ve never processed the pain of your parents divorce this can greatly effect your marriage. Maybe every time you and your spouse have a simple argument common to most marriages you have a total breakdown, turning it into a much bigger issue. This might be due to the emergence of your feelings and fears of rejection and abandonment from the pain of the divorce. These feelings are automatic, and while they seem rational to you, they typically seem irrational to others and can cause serious problems. You have to examine these feelings in order to discover where they are coming from so that you can process it and heal. Ask yourself these questions, “Why do I feel the way that I feel?” and why do I do what I do?” Through asking this question you might discover that a simple argument with your spouse really should not cause you intense fear of abandonment and rejection. This can open the door of understanding that something deeper is going on. Understanding your feelings and actions, especially ones that are negatively impacting your life, is critical.

Talk about it with someone you trust: Once you have discovered and acknowledged your pain that needs to be healed its important to talk about it with someone you trust. Talking about it not only reveals your feelings tied to the pain but it also uncovers beliefs you have developed about yourself and the world based on your pain. Talking about it can be a difficult thing to do but it is necessary for healing and truly moving forward without the effects lingering and causing you more issues. If you feel like you don’t have someone you trust to talk to consider seeing a professional counselor. The idea of talking about your pain to someone you don’t know intimately might be scary, but remember, the right counselor wont judge you and will listen to you with sincere care.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings: when you work hard to avoid pain you end up transferring your feelings associated with it onto unrelated people and situations. You might feel rejected by a parent but because you haven’t faced the pain you transfer this feeling onto your spouse or a friend. Allow yourself to feel rejected by the right person, experience the feeling and work through it. One good way to feel and experience your feelings are by writing them down and reading them aloud. This can be a huge breakthrough for you. Allow yourself to cry and feel the intensity of your pain. Feelings are meant to be expressed, not ignored.  One common saying about depression is that it is anger turned inward. Anger that is suppressed and ignored doesn’t just disappear, it eventually becomes a part of who you are, seeping into all areas of your life. Additionally, encourage the people in your life to express their feelings as well rather than avoid them. The more comfortable you are with your own feelings the more comfortable you will become with the feelings of others.

Surrender to God and allow Him to comfort you: Considering the importance of my personal relationship with Jesus Christ, this step is the most important for me when dealing with pain. God wants nothing more than to offer you His love, peace, and comfort during times of pain. For a lot of people this might seem confusing given the common belief that God allows painful things to happen, but this is for a different discussion and blog post.. In my own life, I have experienced true healing when I go before God and ask Him to comfort me in my pain and provide me with His hope. If you don’t have a relationship with Jesus Christ I strongly urge you to consider giving Him a chance at being your savior, it will forever change your life. It is also important to the best of your ability to surround yourself with people who will offer you love and comfort as well.

Work towards forgiveness: This can be really hard and can take a long time. Forgiveness is so important for processing pain, whether you need to forgive yourself or someone else, this step is crucial to the process. Just remember, forgiving someone does not depend on that person being sorry, but on you making a choice to do it so that you can move on. Think about what happens to you when you don’t forgive? When I don’t forgive someone else I start to develop bitterness towards that person and become irritable and angry. This can even lead to fatigue, anxiety, and a loss in energy. Think about the impact this can have. I know that when I make the choice to forgive someone I am able to fully move beyond the pain. Now an important thing to remember is that you cannot skip all of the other steps and move right to forgiveness, as this will likely be a superficial thing that wont last. Forgiveness should follow acknowledging pain, talking about it with someone you trust, expressing your feelings, and experiencing true comfort.

On a final note, if you have worked on processing pain but you still seem to be experiencing difficult symptoms, I strongly encourage seeking out a therapist trained in Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART). As I’ve used this therapy in my work with clients I have seen years long pain and trauma processed and eliminated in a truly miraculous way! I have also experienced significant healing in my own therapy using ART.

Hopefully these tips are helpful for you and encourage you to take some steps toward processing rather than avoiding your pain. I promise you that, although it might be painful initially, it will be well worth it.

What are some things that have helped you process your own pain?